Bullying is wrong and even bullies know it. What the bullies, the bullied, and their bystanders do not know is that anyone cares about them as unique individuals, or how they might find people who will relate to them in a simple, honest, and non-judgmental way.
 
National media, national programs, and national “weeks” do not address this. But good old-fashioned human-to-human communication does.
 
How successful have we been with national behavior modification programs for school-age kids? What are the teen pregnancy and STD rates in states with high percentages of school programs advocating sexual abstinence? Even the cherished “DARE” program seems to have shown no positive results in the several studies I’ve reviewed. And how well did a former First Lady’s well-intentioned but hopelessly simplistic “Just say no!” campaign work?
 
Kids are smart. They not only learn what we teach them, they also learn what Parker Palmer calls “the hidden curriculum”. And when what we teach is simplistic or simply unnecessary, kids study the hidden curriculum even more.
 
As soon as we create a “movie” or a “program” with a “message”, or we dedicate some portion of the calendar to “National Moral Finger-Wagging Week”, kids know that it’s not about them anymore. They know it’s about us.
 
Most kids know, or can at least intuit, that these large-scale societal marketing campaigns are created primarily by adults for adults. We see the problem, we see the pain, we care deeply. But we express ourselves awkwardly and impersonally when we don’t deal with the issues directly—as older human beings connecting directly with younger human beings—in our homes, our schools, and our communities.
 
As hard as it is to be a kid, it’s probably harder to be an adult trying to help a kid who needs help. If kids and adults could articulate and acknowledge their mutual challenge in simple, honest communication in a way that honored the fears and frailties of all parties, real progress could be made. But progress isn’t made with programs; it is made with promises kept, bonds established, and friendships forged and consciously nurtured.
 
If you don’t want a kid to be a bully, get to know that kid, model some empathy, listen to her smallness and support her in uncovering her hurt—and help her learn to think before she acts.
 
If you want a kid who is being bullied to tell someone who can help him, talk to that kid, model some courage, listen to his fear and acknowledge his strength—and help him realize he’s not alone because he knows he can at least count on you to try to keep him safe.
 
If you want a kid who knows that bullying is going on to come forward, model justice and freedom and the responsible exercise of everyone’s right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; listen to her confusion and uncertainty and support here in gaining clarity so she can move toward positive action—and help her learn that she has a responsibility that extends beyond herself to others in her community.
 
As soon as we start using programs and pop culture to push simple messages at kids that they already understand, they tune out the message and tune into the hidden curriculum. Whenever adults send generic messages to mass juvenile audiences, kids know that our message is not directed at them as individuals but to a “market segment” or other anonymous group.
 
Rather than talking at kids from the Bully Pulpit, or through the national media, let’s talk to them, one-to-one, and then let’s encourage them to talk to their friends.
 
After all, you can’t use the Bully Pulpit to bully bullies into not being bullies.
 
If we want kids to stop doing something or to start doing something, we need to talk to them about it, face to face, and get them to talk to each other (that’s what really makes the difference). We need to listen, too. A lot.
 
Bullies, the bullied, and bystanders are generic names for generic groups; I’ve never met a kid whose real name, or true identity, was defined by those labels.
 
Only when we show kids that we care about them as individuals—through our actions and not our programs, campaigns, and hollow sloganizing—will bullies stop bullying, will the bullied come forth, and will complicit bystanders stop standing by.