Can Relationships Solve Student Behavior Problems?
In this video, Dr. Justin Baeder discusses why building relationships helps with behavior, but isn’t a cure-all or proof teachers caused misbehavior.
Key Takeaways
- Relationships Help, But Don’t Solve Behavior - Positive relationships matter for learning and support, but they are not a complete solution to student behavior problems.
- Misbehavior Doesn’t Prove Teacher Failure - A student acting out is not evidence that a teacher failed to build a relationship, and principals should avoid implying otherwise.
- Students Are Responsible for Their Choices - Teachers can do everything right and still have students misbehave, because students remain in control of their own actions.
- Strong Relationships Often Exist With Challenging Students - Educators frequently know and invest most in students with the toughest behavior, which shows behavior and relationships don’t neatly correlate.
- Behavior Shapes Relationships Too - Students need to learn that acting better often leads to better relationships, rather than assuming relationships alone will drive behavior change.
Full Transcript
Build a relationship is not a solution to student behavior problems. And everybody knows building relationships is directionally correct. It's a good thing. But I find it really grating when I see tweets like this that suggest that building relationships is actually the solution, that it can actually solve the problem. And I think Brian Mendler is partially correct here that, you know, we can't solve behavior...
But I think he's wrong in the implication that relationships can solve behavior problems. Relationships are helpful, but they're not the solution, right? When we take something that is good, and we imply that it has more power than it really does, What we're really doing is we're flipping it around
and saying, if there is a behavior problem, then it's because you didn't build the relationship. I don't know about you, but that's what I find so galling about talk like this about relationships that basically blames the teacher. If there is a behavior problem, it's
because you didn't build the relationship. So I don't ever think teachers should hear, when there is a behavior problem, Any kind of questioning about, did you build a relationship?
Because the fact that there was a behavior problem provides no evidence about that whatsoever. It is completely unfair to say, well, there was a behavior problem, therefore, you must not have built a relationship. This student made bad choices, ergo, you didn't build the relationship that you should have with them. And don't get me wrong. I want everybody to have great relationships in school. I think they are crucial for learning.
But they're not magical. And when bad things happen, it's not proof that the relationship... wasn't there, that the teacher did something wrong, and I think we've got to look at what teachers are actually doing, and look at what students are actually doing, and hold people responsible for their actions,
but not just kind of vaguely blame teachers for failing to do a good thing just because something that was outside of their control that was bad happened. I think we've got to remember that students are in control of their own behavior, and even if you have a great relationship with them, they will misbehave, right?
Like, every teacher will tell you, I had a great relationship with this kid. Sometimes, as educators, we have the best relationships with the kids who have the worst behavior. Because we try. We're investing in them. I will tell you, the kids I knew best as a principal were the kids who had the worst behavior. Because guess what?
I got to spend the most time with them. So, I think relationships are good, but there is no correlation. between having a good relationship with a student and their behavior, and, you know, I think one of the things that kids don't get from school is the realization that the causation actually works the other way around, right?
Like, if you act better, you will have better relationships. We want kids to figure that out, and most of life will teach them that. In school, we give them so much extra grace.
We give them so much the benefit of the doubt. We go the extra mile to build relationships with them because we know that it does make a difference, but it's not magical. Let me know what you think.