Violence Sometimes Should End a Relationship — Not Every Relationship Should Be Repaired
In this video, Dr. Justin Baeder argues that restorative practices' insistence on repairing every relationship ignores the reality that some acts of violence should end the relationship entirely.
Key Takeaways
- Some relationships shouldn't be repaired - A teacher who was assaulted should not be forced into a restorative process with their attacker
- This mirrors domestic violence logic - Insisting that victims reconcile with their abusers is harmful regardless of the setting
- Separation is sometimes the right answer - Protecting victims means accepting that some relationships are over
Transcript
is building a relationship with the student the key to everything that's wrong in education.
I feel like relationships are one of those things that are important, like it is true that we absolutely need to build relationships with our students, but it's one of those things that becomes toxic when you turn it into advice, right?
obviously we need to build relationships with our students.
But if someone is telling you, you need to build a relationship with the student as a solution to a very real problem, I think we've got to be mindful of the relationship dynamics that are occurring there and the relationship dynamics that we're modeling for our students.
For example, often we're told in various restorative practices that students need to repair the harm that they have caused.
And when it comes to violence in particular, I think one of the things that we can model in schools is that violence can permanently end relationships, that when someone is violent toward you, it is healthy and often necessary and often with life-changing consequences if you don't end the relationship with that person.
So this idea that we should respond to student violence by allowing them to repair the harm and seeking to restore the relationship I think that's not something that we can force on people.
I think that's something that we can choose for ourselves, and I think especially with younger students who don't really have the ability to necessarily hurt us, or at least didn't hurt us, I think that's possible, that's feasible.
But as something that people are told, as something that they are required to do or expected to do as part of their job, again, I think that gets kind of toxic.
Let me know what you think about this.
And I'm especially concerned that as students get older, if they are seeing over and over again that people are victimized by the violence of others and then told to restore the relationship and forgive and forget and all these things, that's textbook domestic violence thinking, that it creates this kind of environment where an abuser, or in this case it could be a kid who is not very old, not very big, or in some cases they are a little bit bigger, basically abusing people around them, whether that's other students or the teacher or a para.
And I really think we have to create a sense of safety that we're failing at creating right now in relationships.
And this idea that the relationship is the teacher's responsibility and forgiveness is the teacher's responsibility and the relationship will fix everything.
I think the other big side of the equation is safety and boundaries and that when someone is unsafe with you, you should have the right to get away from them permanently if you choose to remove yourself from their presence.
And not just like I'm afraid of you for no reason, but if there is evidence that someone is unsafe, if they have actually hurt you, then I think teachers should have the right to act on that.
Let me know what you think.